From Reactivity to Response: Reclaiming Your Calm in Triggering Moments

A 4-Step Approach to Navigate Emotional Triggers with Intention and Grace

Have you ever snapped at your kids for no clear reason and instantly regretted it?

Found yourself arguing with your partner over a simple question? Or maybe you

surprised yourself by lashing out at a barista for getting your coffee order wrong? You're

not alone.

These reactions are often rooted in unprocessed emotions and unresolved pain that

have built up over time. For many women of color, these responses are

mischaracterized as being angry, difficult or “spicy,” but what we’re often experiencing is

reactivity—an outsized emotional response to a relatively minor event.

So, what can you do about it? Here's a four-step clinical approach to help shift from

reacting to responding:

Pause and Notice

When your reaction feels bigger than the moment calls for, pause. Tune into your

body—tight chest, tense shoulders, shallowed breathing—and ask yourself: What am I

feeling? Say it out loud to create space between you and the emotion. Reflect on

whether your reaction is tied to the present, or if it echoes past experiences.

Reflect on your go-to coping strategies.

Ask yourself: How do I typically respond when I feel this way? Do you lash out, shutdown, or avoid? Becoming aware of these patterns helps you understand what behaviors you've used to cope—and decide if they're still serving you.

Choose your desired response.

Ask: How would my wise self-respond? What values do you want to lead with—calm,

empowerment, compassion? Naming your desired outcome gives you direction and

clarity.

Take action aligned with that response.

If you want to feel calm, breathe deeply. If you want to feel empowered, stand tall and

speak intentionally. The goal is to respond thoughtfully, not react impulsively.

Change doesn’t happen overnight—research shows it can take up to 90–100 repetitions

for a new response to truly stick. But the good news? Many people start to feel a real

difference within the first 10–15 tries. All it takes is choosing one area where you tend to

react and making a conscious commitment to practice something different.

Progress, not perfection, is the goal. You don’t have to transform into Gandhi tomorrow.

Just keep showing up—with honesty, with intention, and with grace. That’s where the

real change begins.

Call to Action

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